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Things they don’t tell you about becoming a parent.

Things everyone tells you about becoming a parent:

It goes by so quickly!

You’ll never sleep again!

Ask for help! You need a village!


But here are some things they don’t tell you:

You’ll become fluent in a whole new language.

“Abbloo, bla, clooo, bloob.” Clear translation: “Bit more milk, please.” But, you might also find you’re dropping new words into conversation. Shnuggle, Snoo, Bumbo, Whirly Squigz, TOG. Before you welcomed a tiny additional roommate, you probably had no idea what a TOG was – now it’s vital to the impossible science of a full-night’s sleep.


You’ll need way more cloud storage.

For the squillion photos that you’ll take of your kid. Each day. And never want to delete because: a) they are so cute, and b) this one captures a slightly different angle of their tiny ear, and c) you have no spare time to go through your photos.


You’ll Google, a lot.

You shouldn’t. You know you shouldn’t. But babies don’t come with conveniently chaptered guidebooks, and they’re notoriously fickle, so when you find yourself desperately searching ‘calming sleep baby sleep’ or ‘fake cough normal’ and ‘relief gassy wind NOW’, it might help to know that you’re not alone. (One US study found that the average new parent turned to Google six times a day for advice.) Just make sure you also look up ‘baby friendly brunch spots’.


You’ll improve your upper body strength.

Remember when you used to leave the house with just your phone? Ha! Now you have a baby, and a baby bag, and a pram to carry, probably. That stuff is heavy. You’ve also got kilos of laundry to move about, and a small human to rock and pat and shush, and your arms are gonna get STRONG. (Your back is also probably gonna get sore, so streeeeetch.)


You’ll be familiar with all the local parks.

How many metres to walk there. The shadiest routes to take. The high-traffic times. The number of benches/swings/slides/bubblers/blades of grass at each one. You’ll become a park connoisseur – you will have a favourite.


You’ll feel like you’re not doing a great job. But you are.

Parenting is wonderful and rewarding and exciting, but it’s also exhausting and challenging and overwhelming. But if you’re doing your best, then you’re doing great. (Need a reminder to go easy on yourself? Read this.) If you’re struggling, don’t be afraid to ask for help: reaching out to PANDA can be a great place to start.

You’ve got this! (As long as you’ve got the Snotty Boss and Wonky Donkey, iykyk.)